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No More Mr. Nice Guy

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Unfortunately, the negative traits listed above find a way to ooze out into Nice Guys’ lives and personal relationships. It’s not “be selfish or be self-sacrificing,” but “be judicious in how you care for yourself and your own wants and needs and what sacrifices you make for others,” and “find ways to help and support others that aren’t a sacrifice,” and “try to negotiate win-win solutions in life. This involves eating healthy foods, eliminating drugs and alcohol, working out, drinking lots of water, playing, relaxing, and getting enough rest. This can sound like giving men permission to be any kind of bad person, as long as they “like” it that way, and can rationalize anyone’s displeasure at it as now “their” fault.

The actual science I just cited proves the opposite is the problem: boys are being raised with a particularly toxic idea of what it means to be a man, which is presently dysfunctional (and was never great).When questioned about their childhood, Nice Guys frequently tell me they grew up in "perfect,""great," Leave It To Beaver, or “All American” families. You are not “the provider” or “protector” or “leader” in your relationship; and if you think you are, your relationship is not likely to go well. By taking matters into their own hands – by practicing healthy masturbation – recovering Nice Guys can change the most basic dynamics that shape the bigger picture of how they do sex.

By focusing on the relationship instead of their partner, recovery Nice Guys are able to use their partner to get in touch with their childhood experiences of abandonment, neglect, abuse, and smothering. To many women, the nice guy initially appears to be a real catch because the nice guy is different from other men they've been with. Robert Glover has dubbed the "Nice Guy Syndrome" trying too hard to please others while neglecting one's own needs, thus causing unhappiness and resentfulness. When we look at the science, by contrast, the problem seems more likely a defective male culture, not a Freudian crisis of fatherlessness. Someone else who knew nothing of Glover’s book once wrote asking me my advice about much the same things that Glover wants to address.As long as they are focused on the arousal and pleasure of their partner, Nice Guys can distract themselves from their own toxic shame, feelings of inadequacy, or fear of being smothered. And he even makes reference to the fallacy of black and white thinking (without naming it), pointing out that a major problem trapping men in the Nice Guy Paradigm is their inability to comprehend any other way of being than either Nice or Not-Nice. Nice Guys just keep trying harder to get a non-workable situation to work or get someone to be something they are not. e. not pretending to be that, but actually being that) is not likely to conflict substantially with what good people will respect and admire and like in you, and thus it may be the same thing as what “others want you to be. Trying to become what you believe others want you to be can be a product of selfishness, laziness, insufficient personal development as an adult, being on the antisocial personality spectrum, or any of a dozen other things.

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